Caffeine Confessions: My Tale of America’s Secret Vice

By Thomas Hokum

For a long time now, I have been wanting to write something on America’s addiction to caffeine, but I’ve been waiting for the right time. Thanks to a special little drink called Four Loko and a bunch of sick girls at Central Washington University, the time has arrived. The ensuing national outcry against the drink was inevitable. Basically, a bunch of students, girls especially, were drinking mass quantities of Four Loko at a party, and then no one could figure out why everyone got sick…I know, right?

Today's 1000

The family that drinks together...

...falls down together?

Mind Your Manners (Or At Least Keep Your Bathroom Antics In The Bathroom)

Using the subway as a bathroom. (That's a nail clipper in his hand).

It’s 9 am on a crowded subway train. People are jockeying for a place to squeeze into an already crowded train and giving dirty looks to the drunk sprawled across four seats when the familiar sound starts. Clip, clip, clip.  Pause. Clip, clip. A man (sometimes it’s a woman) is using his subway ride to manicure his fingernails. He pauses to inspect his work, before resuming again. Clip, clip, clip. The nail clippings sail through the air landing on the seats and floor around him. When the train arrives at his stop, he gets up, flicking some more nail clippings around and leaves. Sure he gets a few dirty looks, but most people just ignore the clipper. It’s not like it’s anything new. Plenty of people turn the subway into their own personal bathroom, clipping nails, putting on makeup, flossing. It’s all been done. But that certainly doesn’t make it any less nasty. I have to ask…where are your manners?!

Today's 1000

Inspirational Graffiti

LeBron James and the Myth of Globalism



LeBron James
(Dave Hogg/
Wikimedia.com/
Creative Commons)


by T.S. Oldman

“This multicultural approach, saying that we simply live side-by-side and are happy about each other… has failed, utterly failed. “
-Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany October 16, 2010

“Today is Hater Day. Everyone please let them get their 2 mins of fame and light! I love you Haters. Continue to make me proud of you guys. LOL”
- LeBron James via Twitter October 19, 2010

LeBron James and Chancellor Angela Merkel should rarely, if ever, be mentioned in the same sentence. In fact, a tweet from a 25 year old global icon and a much criticized quote from a political speech don’t really appear to be within the same realm. Yet, both quotes point to the same end: The inevitability of globalization is a myth.

That’s where both quotes end. Let’s back up and see where they both start.

Today's 1000

 

This statue lives in Dublin, Ireland and is of a famous Irish writer. Does anyone know which one?

Midtown West Doldrums, Part II

“Where are we going?” I ask, shutting the car door.  

“JCT.” Sam knows that JCT is my favorite restaurant in Midtown West.
“Of course,” I say.

source: http://www.jctkitchen.com/

  

“Gabbi is meeting us there.”  Gabbi is our second best friend.  Sam used to just keep her around because he found her entertaining.  It made him feel good about himself, more authentic, to hang around people that do not look like they just walked out of a J.Crew catalog.  Gabbi is a dancer at one of the most popular gentleman’s clubs in Atlanta.  She is originally from a small town in Tennessee between Sevierville and Gatlinburg and took a few classes at a Chattanooga community college before she dropped out and moved to Atlanta.  Gabbi’s stage name is Tiffany which sounds less like a stripper than her actual name. 

When we arrived we immediately headed upstairs and ordered drinks.  Sam ordered a “John Daly” which is not on the drink menu.  Ordering a “John Daly” is Sam’s running joke with the bartender.  JCT is known for their fresh squeezed lemonade. If you add sweet tea to this then it becomes an “Arnold Palmer”.  If you add both sweet tea and bourbon then it becomes a “John Daly.” 

We had reservations, but Gabbi is running late, per usual, so we had another drink.  I was drinking Jack with one ice cube but it still tasted sweet to me so I ordered Johnnie Walker Black.  It is like drinking warm smoke and makes me feel both alert and at ease with the world at the same time.  Sam was getting noticeably more intoxicated, and as I drank I scanned the restaurant to verify that we were the best looking people there. We were. 

Today's 1000

Road sign located just outside of Prattville, Alabama.

Not necessarily the most traditional use of road signs, but certainly eye-catching, nonetheless.


Image from i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive.

The Narcissus Myth Reborn: A Jersey Tale

 

by Thomas "The Crisis" Hokum

 “For as his own bright image he surveyed / He fell in love with the fantastic shade…

It is myself I love, myself I see / The gay delusion is a part of me…

So melts the youth, and languishes away / His beauty withers, and his limbs decay…

And none of those attractive charms remain…”

-Narcissus and Echo, Ovid “Metamorphoses”

“All people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other.”

–Stan Marsh, South Park

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Adventures in Local Advertising
Three thoughts:

1. "Look, honey! Only $500 and we get a free toaster!"
2. What this sign really says: "We need money. Desperately. Of course if a free toaster is the clincher to get your banking business, chances are you need money too. Desperately."
3. How many toasters could they possibly have in stock? 5? 20? 100?



I give a Fuck about the Oxford Comma

Not too long ago, I was introduced to a song by Vampire Weekend in which the main query is “who gives a fuck about an Oxford Comma?” This song is a wonderfully catchy tune that lures you in and has you singing along in no time; however, I must ask you: at what cost do you bash our little friend?

You see, the poor Oxford comma has all but faded into obscurity. Out of three friends and one English professor I have spoken with about the Oxford comma, I seemed to be the only person who actually knew to what, precisely, it referred. (To give him credit, the English professor guessed that it was another name for the serial comma, which is correct.) So, let us begin this discourse with an explanation of what the Oxford comma is. According to Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss, the Oxford comma is the last comma in a series. Take this sentence for example: Rory Gilmore applied to Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. The Oxford comma in this case is the comma which immediately follows Yale. The series, which in our example consisted of only three items, can contain as many items as it wishes – it does not change the last comma in the series from being considered the Oxford comma. Thus, in a sentence which reads “Thomas Hokum likes shotguns, pitchforks, pitchfork-shotguns, zombies, hating Bella, and referencing Dr. Strangelove,” the Oxford comma would be the one immediately following “Bella.”

Today's 1000

Does this motivational poster in an airport:

1) Inspire all the homeless people waiting in the ticketing terminal?

2) Show that Harvard has lowered its standards?

3) Prove, once again, that life works out for attractive females?

How To Be A Non Tourist: New York

Ah, the tourist trap. We've all been there. Even the most seasoned traveler can sheepishly recall the time he paid for "authentic" tango lessons in Argentina or spent a small fortune on sub par sushi in San Francisco. Even recommendations from fellow travelers can't always be trusted, because, let's face it, some people have bad taste.

This is a mini travel series about some of the off the beaten path places to explore in major cities around the world (and some small towns too). You'll find restaurant reviews, walking tours and ideas for day trips. First up, New York, because  who wants to stand in the middle of Times Square eating $16 chicken fingers from TGI Fridays?

Midtown West Doldrums, Part I

Last evening I shortened my afternoon routine because Samuel had just finished a lengthy project at work and scheduled a night out as a present to himself. We toured our usual spots in the up and coming area known as Midtown West, which is different from regular Midtown.

Today's 1000

Ireland says: Don't get too close to the rocks. Now I totally want to.

Chicks Dig Fangs or How I Learned To Stop Hating Twilight and Love the Pitchfork-Shotgun

By Thomas Hokum

Women love vampires. Put a pin in that, we’ll come back to it.