Fistful of Reviews: Puss in Boots

Prepare for a swashbuckling adventure.
Image from http://bit.ly/vwkmJj

by Elaine Dunaway

First things first. I will attempt to avoid any spoilers if you, lovely readers, will forgive me if I give away more information than you were looking for.

Dreamworks’ latest creation, Puss in Boots, follows the swashbuckling past and present of one of Shrek’s most memorable characters – Puss. No surprise there, Elaine! Tell us something we didn’t know already… Well, one thing I didn’t know prior to seeing the film is that no prior knowledge of Shrek is at all necessary for getting every joke in the film; in fact, Puss in Boots seems to exist in a world where Puss has not yet met Shrek. Instead, the Puss’ quest in Puss in Boots involves finding the magic beans (of Jack and the Beanstalk fame) that can lead him, Humpty Dumpty, and Kitty Soft Paws to the golden goose. With the riches laid by the golden goose, Puss can pay back a debt from his youth and stop living as an outlaw.

Last Comic Standing

Comic Sans: the most primitive font.
Fun Fact: This is quite probably the result of my having just finished The Hunger Games.

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Laurie is a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can view more of her artwork at Itchin' to Dance or her thoughts on creativity at Flight of the Tumblebee. You can follow Laurie on Twitter @LASkeleton.

Beefing Up the Résumé

By David Hammock

Sometimes it's tough to know what to include in your résumé and what to leave out. I mostly have trouble with the last part.


Special Skills:

1. Figured out how to put accent mark over the e in résumé on the computer.

2. Able to tell the Olsen twins apart.

3. Mature enough to not laugh when I say I have a BS from Georgia Tech... sometimes.

4. Good at Words With Friends.

5. One time, found 2 four-leaf clovers in one day.

6. Never owned slaves.

7. Good at choosing which restaurant to eat at when no one else wants to make a decision.

8. Tall.

9. Knows sign language... is how deaf people communicate.

10. Has that app that tells you who sings that song that's playing on the radio.

11. Portable.

12. Has zero weaknesses.

13. Works well with others who work well with others.

14. Knows not to wear navy with black.

15. Synergy.

16. Tips well.

17. Doesn't shout at the screen during movies.

18. O+ blood type... the universal donor.

19. Never had a cavity.

20. Can type 90 words per minute... if you don't mind mistakes.

21. Good at lunch breaks.

22. Allergic to not succeeding.

23. Fills that hard-to-fill "white male" quota.

24. Always picks tails in a coin flip... so, loyal.

25. Never used steroids. Well, I never inhaled.

26. Never joined Pen 15 club in high school.

27. Tolerant... except of lactose.

28. Looks both ways before crossing anything (the street, t's, picket lines).

29. Never ends a sentence in a preposition.

30. Has ability to make anyone look tan simply by standing next to them.

31. Doesn't like cake very much, so more for others on co-workers' birthdays.

32. Good with children.

33. Great with adults.

34. Hasn't cut wisdom teeth yet, so could possibly get even wiser.

35. Keeps up with current events/Kardashians.

36. Doesn't know the meaning of the word quit... but willing to learn.

37. Snazzy dresser.

38. Snazzy armoire.

39. More humble than anyone.

40. Can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

41. Uses similes like a boss.

42. Skilled at Casual Friday.

43. Doesn't waste paper... footballs.

44. Wrote hilarious office-themed screenplay called Finding Memo that is just delightful.

45. Not that racist.

46. Can drive an automatic.

47. Keeps collection of Beanie Babies' tags in mint condition.

48. Goes with anything.

49. Likes ultimate frisbee, but doesn't neglect regular frisbees.

50. Owns whatever CD you're listening to on vinyl.

51. User-friendly.

52. Low self-esteem, but very high other types of esteem.

53. Thinks both inside and outside the box. Also on top of the box.

54. Seen every episode of both the UK AND the US Office, which I'm pretty sure gives me dual citizenship.

55. An animal lover, not an animal fighter.

56. Isn't afraid of old people anymore.

57. Can't play any instruments, but really good at listening to music.

58. Vegan... except for during breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

59. Votes sometimes.

60. Fluent in... can you speak French? No? Yeah, fluent in French.




David Hammock is a model employee and a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can read more from him on his website The Kids are Aight and follow him on Twitter @david_hammock.

Today's 1000

Large groups of unwashed, entitled 20 somethings on skateboards. Yes, this is definitely the best way to show the government you mean business.

Just Offal

Remember, kids: it's just offal.

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Laurie is a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can view more of her artwork at Itchin' to Dance or her thoughts on creativity at Flight of the Tumblebee. You can follow Laurie on Twitter @LASkeleton.

Discussing Coldplay: Learn to be More Interesting

Coldplay is really successful but they are really boring says TS.
Chris Martin by Zach Klein via WikiMedia Commons

By T.S. Oldman

I have always found it funny that the Coldplay's "Don't Panic" was the first song on the Garden State soundtrack. Even though the Zach Braff directed film included dialouge about how good The Shins were and used Frou Frou's "Let Go" for the final emotional release of the film, a Coldplay song sets the emotional tone in the opening scene. There is probably no meaning to derive from the fact that "Don't Panic" is first on the Grammy winning soundtrack, but seven years after the fact it's amusing to see Coldplay featured on a compilation of other indie artists (save Simon and Garfunkel) that are not nearly as successful as the British alt-pop rockers.

In fact, Coldplay has become so successful as a band that it really doesn't matter if you hate them or love them. In fact, talking about Coldplay is actually pointless at this juncture in their career (which definitely undermines this post). I like some Coldplay songs. "Everything is Not Lost" is a personal favorite probably because it was featured in another Zach Braff related moment. And their last album was nice (Viva La Vida). Does Coldplay make well crafted songs? Absolutely.

But outside of Chris Martin being married to Gwenyth Paltrow, there is nothing particularly interesting about the music or men of Coldplay.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Coldplay Edition

By David Hammock

With Coldplay set to release their 5th studio album, Mylo Xyloto, next week, it's a good time to take a look at some of the band's strengths and weaknesses.

COLDPLAY

STRENGTHS

• More Grammys than Barack Obama.
• Have drawn comparisons to the Beatles, the most famous band in the world... besides Coldplay.
• All band members have British accents, just in case being rock stars isn't a good enough way to get girls.
• If you play their 2nd album "A Rush of Blood to the Head" and the movie "Love Actually" at the same time, it syncs up perfectly.
• New album will go platinum even if recorded on a Yak Bak.
• Appeal to fans of rock, pop, alternative... pretty much every genre except country... and let's face it, country music fans don't deserve to listen to Coldplay.
• They don't panic.
• Got music critics to shut up about Radiohead for five minutes.

WEAKNESSES

• Only 1 of 4 band members married to Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Afraid to tell world Coldplay is actually 2 words.
• Donate lots of time, money, and effort to charity organizations instead of making more music I can listen to.
• Song "Yellow" actually about a bad case of jaundice.
• Occasionally get sunburn from own stage lighting, due to pasty white Brit-skin.
• Probably really terrible at sports.
• Always trying to fix you.
• No one can pronounce Mylo Xyloto.

David Hammock is a huge Coldplay fan and a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can read more from his Strengths and Weaknesses series on his website The Kids are Aight and follow him on Twitter @david_hammock.

An Introduction to the Canjo

by Elaine Dunaway

The humble canjo. Image from
http://bit.ly/nMjO3M

Not too long ago, my family took a trip to Gatlinburg without me. (Terrible, I know, but this is beside the point.) Upon returning, my sister unveiled a marvelous discovery that she had made while in the Smokeys: the canjo. Perhaps you now ask yourself – much like I did – what is a canjo? Well, put shortly, it is a banjo-like instrument made by combining an aluminum can of the soup or soda variety with a wooden handle and a single string.

The greatest thing about the canjo is the ease with which you can begin playing it. My sister’s came with a booklet of classic songs – “I’ve been working on the Railroad,” “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” “Mary Had a Little Lamb” – that were noted in numbers instead of notes. These numbers corresponded to numbered slots on the guitar-like handle of the canjo. Voila! Instant music!

Why do I tell you about the canjo? Because if, like me, you’ve always had a hankering to play the guitar or banjo but found the multi-stringed, multi-note system rather daunting for an amateur, you might just find the canjo to be an ideal instrument. Think of it as a slightly more grown-up alternative to the recorder that you had in elementary school. It’s been one of my favorite entertainment discoveries of the past year, so I hope you’ll attempt to get your hands on one and give it a whirl.

Let Them Dance! Celebrations in Football

By Thomas Hokum

What part of a celebration is “unsportsmanlike”? Why does the NCAA think celebrating is bad?

Not taunting mind you, but positive, self-expressive celebration. What part of that is unethical or contrary to the sport of football, which itself is often referred to as a game.

I thought of a lot of ways to open, and that’s the question I kept coming back to. For those who haven’t guessed the impetus for this post, last weekend LSU’s punter Brad Wing had a touchdown called back because for a half second he opened his arms like wings on the five-yard line. He wasn’t in front of a player, and I actually didn’t even see it on the first replay I saw.

I’m surprised Les Miles didn’t eat the referee right there.

And it was their punter! If I was a punter and I scored on Florida’s defense a celebration flag would be the least of anyone’s concerns. Think nudity. Think jail time.

I mean, I thought this was America!

It’s funny but there is a lot of truth in that statement. When you think of America what do you think of? Freedom of expression? An unbridled competitive spirit? What part of that is represented by punishing players for celebrating success?

The Myth of Fan Responsibility: Tampa Bay Rays, NBA Labor Agreement, and WVU Football

Derek Fisher (holding basketball) should leave fans out of NBA labor talk.
Picture by Lawrence Jackson via WikiMedia Commons

By T.S. Oldman

It's been a rough couple weeks for fans. No, I'm not talking about fans of the Boston Red Sox and their troubles this past week but rather I'm referring to the larger, more general group of 'all sports fans.' Not a smaller subset of 'fans' like fans of a specific team; fans of a specific sport; or fans of a specific conference. All fans. Of any sport.

Over the past couple weeks, general sports fandom has had to endure the following:

• After failing to reach an agreement with NBA owners NBA Player's Association leader Derek Fisher said, "This is a big blow obviously, to our fans (most importantly). They don't have a voice in this fight so far but we hear them loud and clearly that they want basketball... And we're gonna do the responsible thing and try our best to bring them basketball as soon as we possibly can." via ESPN video/article by Marc Stein
• WVU head football coach, Dana Holgorsen, talking about his displeasure with West Virgina fans, "We have a conference game coming up this week. It's at noon. I can give you some excuses now: Playing a team that's 2-3. Well, they should be 5-0. Playing at noon. Well, who cares? Get up. Mantrip's at 9:45. Are we going to have a good crowd or are we going to have nobody there? Is the weather going to be 85 and sunny or 25 and snowing? It really doesn't matter because the coaches and players and trainers and everybody else is going to be there. That's what our job is. What's the support people's job?" via ESPN Big East Blog by Andrea Adelson
• Take your pick from any number of the articles bemoaning the Tampa Bay Rays low attendance despite fielding playoff teams. Or just read the St. Petersburg Times article where the owner of the Rays says MLB will "vaporize" the team unless attendance improves.

While each of the above examples of attacks on fandom are sport or team specific, they point to a larger misconception about sports and fans.

There is no moral imperative that says people must support sports teams.

None.

Today's 1000

By David Hammock



Was this inevitable? Lazy marketing? A misguided tie in with AMC's zombie hit Walking Dead? On one hand, I understand why Halloween would sell out to the only pizza brand with a semi-Halloween sounding name. But mostly, I saw this and felt bad for Red Baron, DiGiorno, and Tostino's because they no longer have a shot at being the "official pizza" of Halloween.

Traumatic Events

Birthdays can be scarring events.

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Laurie is a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can view more of her artwork at Itchin' to Dance or her thoughts on creativity at Flight of the Tumblebee. You can follow Laurie on Twitter @LASkeleton.

Teen PokéMom

By David Hammock

This author's rendering of a struggling teen Pokémon couple. Perhaps this author should leave the drawing to the more talented Laurie Skelton.

I'm all about the kids... and not just the human ones... Pokémon too. It's these young Pokémon and Pokéwomon to whom I write today:

I know there's a lot of pressure to do the Pokénasty when you're a teenage Pokémon, but I want all you young creatures to know that there's no shame in holding on to your (Pokémon) V-Card. Just ask the thousands of single Pokémoms out there who wish they could hit the reset button. A Pokébaby is a huge responsibility; one that most young monsters simply aren't prepared for. Remember, there's only one reliable defense against unwanted pregnancies and Nintendo DSTDs and it's (no, not Coil, Harden, or Leer) abstinence. So delete those booty call numbers from your Pokédex and keep it in your shell, Squirtle. The world is a scary enough place without a Pokébaby to worry about; so why not wait until you evolve to take part in the ol' horizontal battle? And if you can't suppress those Pokéurges, at least wrap up your Diglett, because when it comes Nintendo DSTDs, without protection, you're gonna catch 'em all.

David Hammock is a self-proclaimed expert on Pokémon sexuality and a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can read more from him on his website The Kids are Aight and follow him on Twitter @david_hammock.

Why I want to like Terra Nova, but can’t (at least not yet)

Stephen Lang, the hope for the future of Terra Nova.
Image from http://bit.ly/n6bco8

by Arthur Blair

When it comes to science fiction, I’ve been exposed to my fair share. I enjoy reading it, watching it, talking about it.  I wouldn’t say it consumes me, though, so I’m sure I’ll leave something out that may be important to other people or something that offers a perspective other than mine own. If (and when) I do, feel free to comment (or not).

Over the years, I’ve always kept an eye out for good sci-fi shows. There used to be a channel for these types of things. (It was called the Sci-Fi channel, but it went away from my cable package some years ago and I haven’t been able to find it since.) In my search for good sci-fi shows I came across some that I liked and some that I didn’t. 

In my (admittedly passive) quest for good sci-fi tv shows I came across a little tidbit about Terra Nova. These sources even mentioned some of the names associated with the show and I couldn’t help but notice that a few of the writers were also involved in Firefly (if I remember correctly) and Star Trek: Voyager – my two favorite sci-fi shows. I set my DVR to Record and waited, hoping for something to fill the sci-fi void.  It’s been a rough wait…

Joy in Failure: Lessons from Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs (1955-2011) photo by Matthew Yohe
via Wikimedia Commons

By Thomas Hokum

Steve Jobs was not a failure. He was a paradigm for success. His legacy has done more to shape our technological future than any other mind this side of Edison. And yet, he was a college dropout who returned coke bottles for money and was once fired from Apple, the company he created. If you haven’t already, follow the YouTube link to his Stanford 2005 Commencement Speech and watch it immediately. His thoughts on career choice and using death as an everyday catalyst to seek life fulfillment are profound and poetic. Even eerier now that his life has passed, the speech is clearly given by a man who has lived his life fully and will harbor no regrets. Steve Jobs you will be missed.

Back and Forth: Talking Cancellations by Adele, the NBA, and The Playboy Club

Adele performing at a 2011 American show that
wasn't cancelled in Seattle, Washington.
Image by Niko D via WikiMedia Commons

Editor's Note: It's been a hit or miss week for cancellations. First, NBC's Playboy Club was cancelled, which is good. Then DavidStern cancelled the entire NBA preseason and threatened to cancel the first two weeks of the regular season, which is bad. Finally, on Tuesday, Adele announced that she was cancelling her already rescheduled American tour dates due to something involving the words hemorrhage and vocal. Since we reviewed her latest album earlier this year, TS Oldman spent Wednesday trying to make sense of Adele’s obvious hate for American concert goers by emailing back and forth with concert aficionado, Atlanta Hawks supporter (THEY DO EXIST!), and Adele fan, Stephan Rabbitt. Here is their conversation:

OLDMAN:  Stephan, sometimes America is awesome. If you had told me a month ago that a show with murder, forced intrigue, and scantily clad women set in 1960's Hugh Hefner club would be cancelled because of bad writing, I would have laughed in your face and cited the fact that Two and Half Men (a show that deals almost exclusively in tired, infantile jokes) is the highest rated show on television. But finding out that viewers stepped up and forced NBC to cancel its hyped but embarrassingly bad show… Thanks America. I applaud your selective good taste this time.


As the week has gone along though, things have gotten worse. First, David Stern cancels the preseason and steps right to the edge of the cliff of canceling regular season games. Then Adele cancels a set of American tour dates that had already been rescheduled in June after she got laryngitis. This is not exactly her first cancelling rodeo. I'd be more inclined to believe her heartfelt blog post if she hadn't cancelled her American shows after her first album when a boyfriend convinced her to stay home with him. I’d also be more inclined to believe her if she hadn't admitted that she vomits before every show due to stage fright. Does that sound like someone who is sorry to be missing shows? Can fans still be mad at her for getting sick? Is she actually sick or did she lose her battle to stop smoking and her huge voice failed her? Should her next album or tour be called “Vocal Hemorrhage?”


RABBITT:  Sometimes America is awesome, Oldman. Case and point: I worked late Monday evening doing my best to single-handedly stimulate the economy, and I was able to call in a Roasters to go order (ready in five minutes) so a friend and I could eat a whole chicken in front of the two 50-inch TVs in my living room. What would we need two TVs for on a Monday night?


The Sing-Off and Monday Night Football, obviously. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Love and Other Dangerous Things

By: E Thomas

The writer with French Lover

So French Lover found this blog. And he read everything. As in the post where I waxed poetic about BSD's, the one about flings, the one about my foolish behavior and let’s not forget about the one entitled 'If You Want Sex Just Say So.'  He read everything. 

I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. In fact, my exact reaction was to put a pillow over my head and lay on my bed ostrich style for a good 20 minutes. It’s kind of stupid to put private thoughts out on the internet, but I wrongly assumed F.L. was not resourceful enough to become an FoW reader. But what surprised me even more was his reaction. F.L said my blog posts were the greatest love declaration that a girl had ever given him. Admittedly one of those posts was a love declaration for his BSD (again, find yourself one), but there was nothing else about love. Right? Wrong. In fact, I’ve been wrong about a lot of things regarding love.

Cereal Analogy

Breakfast cereal OLSAT practice.
Serving suggestions: Top with arrogant milk.

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Laurie is a regular contributor to Fistful of Words. You can view more of her artwork at Itchin' to Dance or her thoughts on creativity at Flight of the Tumblebee. You can follow Laurie on Twitter @LASkeleton.

Today's 1000

I know a lot of school districts use the threat of not walking across the stage for high school graduation as a deterrent to pulling off a quality senior prank, but even Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney think that last clause is a bit aggressive and open ended.

Thoughts of the Day: Odds and Ends

Drawing of David doing important thinking.
The Philosopher from Boston Public Library
via Wiki Media Commons

By David Hammock

David Hammock doesn't think like you. We're not saying he's brilliant or anything. Actually, scratch that. David is brilliant. While most of us spend our days asking questions like, "Where will I eat for lunch?" or "What time does the game start tonight?" David ponders other, more important, topics. Since he figured out that light is not the fastest thing in our universe last week, David has turned his attention to quandries like the age discrmination in Mac & Cheese products and the temperature of Nick Lachey's house. Word has it that after David finishes mulling over why musicians insist all humans have their hands in the air, he has agreed to a conference call with President Obama to help solve the economy. Honestly, we're just excited he decided to share this handful of thoughts rattling around his head with us.

• I love Words With Friends, but I wonder if Words With Enemies isn't a better idea. Sure, beating your friends is cool, but how bout dropping QUARTZ on a triple word score on someone you've hated your whole life?

• Why do oatmeal cookies always have to have raisins in them? It's like, "Hey guy, want a delicious oatmeal cookie? Well, prove it by eating around these shriveled up grapes."

• Kraft needs to create some sort of Adult-Style Mac & Cheese. Instead of dinosaur shapes, there can be little briefcases, ties, bills, reading glasses, etc. This way, I get all the enjoyment of eating cheesy shapes with none of the judgmental glances from the cashiers at Publix.
  

Today's 1000

Picture via @itsrabbitt

 by T.S. Oldman

Somehow, this seems worse than the existence of Ke$ha branded condoms. All Bieber jokes aside, I can't fathom a worse way to convice your young child fight tooth decay than with something that will sing to them while they brush. Other important questions: How well can you hear the songs? What's the quality of the mix? Why do marketers continue to assume using the term buddy will make their product less creepy? Do the bass vibrations help wisk away hard to reach plaque?  Brush Buddies! A soundtrack for your kids while they cry and brush their teeth.